Crappy choices

(Yup, crappy is my new favourite word.)

Yesterday I went to watch my laogong perform for NYJC's chinese drama night a.k.a 我们的白云岗. It was pretty good even though I found the transitions between the scenes slightly awkward. Anyway just halfway through the first piece, I started to complain to myself and my friends...

"WHY DID I JOIN CHINESE ORCHESTRA WHY DIDN'T I JOIN CHINESE DRAMA?!"

Bam. True confession.

To think I was genuinely wanting to join CO long before posting results came out. Ridiculous me. Until now I honestly haven't found the sense of belonging in CO that I've been wanting to find, and it makes me feel crappy every time I think about that. Every sectional I feel so lousy because I actually am lousy at playing erhu compared to the other players, and the only nice thing about sectionals is that the erhu teacher is very nice. (Even though he always says I keep frowning.) Then comes the dreaded combined practices which are dreaded because 丁老师 likes to make people play their part individually and correct their 音准...... And also because I haven't found a good friend so I end up walking silently and quickly (with my iPod) out of the music room alone to head home before everyone sees Zi Lei The Loner someone says "Hi which direction are you going?" and I have to awkwardly start/respond to a conversation.

Nope.

I think it's just the feeling though. I don't feel that kind of bond towards NYCO as a CCA and as an orchestra like I used to in ATC. It's like I don't bond that well with my section mates much less those from other sections. SYF is approaching and it sucks to know that I might be the 鱼目混珠/滥竽充数 player. Urghghghghfdhsjfgkh.

Oh and you know what? I just briefly thought through what I have missed because of CO and I realised I could have joined ISLE or today's Pre-U Sem. CRAP! I COULD HAVE GONE FOR ISLE IF I PASSED THE INTERVIEWS AND STUFF. And other potential things I could have done like loving to exercise because I joined a sports cca or performing for baiyungang or taking pictures because I joined the photographic club. crap. 

Now I'm stuck with this crappy feeling until the end of SYF. Maybe then I'll start contemplating if I should quit CO and risk being badmouthed that I joined CO (bonus: as a lousy player) just to get the SYF achievement for my SGC.
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I always tell myself once I decide on something I will not regret but really? This is helluva regret.