Crappy choices

(Yup, crappy is my new favourite word.)

Yesterday I went to watch my laogong perform for NYJC's chinese drama night a.k.a 我们的白云岗. It was pretty good even though I found the transitions between the scenes slightly awkward. Anyway just halfway through the first piece, I started to complain to myself and my friends...

"WHY DID I JOIN CHINESE ORCHESTRA WHY DIDN'T I JOIN CHINESE DRAMA?!"

Bam. True confession.

To think I was genuinely wanting to join CO long before posting results came out. Ridiculous me. Until now I honestly haven't found the sense of belonging in CO that I've been wanting to find, and it makes me feel crappy every time I think about that. Every sectional I feel so lousy because I actually am lousy at playing erhu compared to the other players, and the only nice thing about sectionals is that the erhu teacher is very nice. (Even though he always says I keep frowning.) Then comes the dreaded combined practices which are dreaded because 丁老师 likes to make people play their part individually and correct their 音准...... And also because I haven't found a good friend so I end up walking silently and quickly (with my iPod) out of the music room alone to head home before everyone sees Zi Lei The Loner someone says "Hi which direction are you going?" and I have to awkwardly start/respond to a conversation.

Nope.

I think it's just the feeling though. I don't feel that kind of bond towards NYCO as a CCA and as an orchestra like I used to in ATC. It's like I don't bond that well with my section mates much less those from other sections. SYF is approaching and it sucks to know that I might be the 鱼目混珠/滥竽充数 player. Urghghghghfdhsjfgkh.

Oh and you know what? I just briefly thought through what I have missed because of CO and I realised I could have joined ISLE or today's Pre-U Sem. CRAP! I COULD HAVE GONE FOR ISLE IF I PASSED THE INTERVIEWS AND STUFF. And other potential things I could have done like loving to exercise because I joined a sports cca or performing for baiyungang or taking pictures because I joined the photographic club. crap. 

Now I'm stuck with this crappy feeling until the end of SYF. Maybe then I'll start contemplating if I should quit CO and risk being badmouthed that I joined CO (bonus: as a lousy player) just to get the SYF achievement for my SGC.
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I always tell myself once I decide on something I will not regret but really? This is helluva regret.

Lost time

Sat in front of the piano for almost the entire day today continuing to learn Minuet in G and simplified Fur Elise. And tried Hanon exercise 1 and finding information about ABRSM piano exams to see how far am I from a grade 1. (And I have to say, very far.)

I came across some child prodigies videos while looking for a video of Minuet in G and came to realise how amazing these kids are and how I'm totally not. The way they control their little hands to play a piece so out of what 5 year olds are supposed to be doing. It's amazing really.

The fact that I'm about to be 17 and I'm just starting to learn piano (by myself) while these kids might become famous pianists before they even come close to 17. There's so much time lost right there I sometimes feel sorry for myself. I know I shouldn't be because there are people out there who can't even dare to dream about playing piano because they are trapped by circumstances.

You know, I've always believed there's this musical thing in me. I can learn tunes fairly quickly and I can usually tell if someone sings out of tune lol. But that's beside the point. If not for all the time lost maybe I could be on par with all my friends & classmates who are currently grade 7 or 8. 

That's so much more effort I have to put in to barely make it through to the second step (after the first step of getting a piano) and to make up for the lost time. That's a whole lot of learning and exercises and practices and theory I'm trying to concentrate into the shortest amount of time possible.

The black and white road with tau-gays as obstacles is difficult...... but I shall persevere. *flexes arm and clenches fist*

我要 一步一步 往上爬……

Too fast

Dearest Jasmine is going to upgrade to an actual upright piano and she's selling me her Clavinova at a friendly price. And it's probably going to be delivered on Wednesday. Yes I repeat, WEDNESDAY.

I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to clear my room and make space for a digital piano 137cm in length. Gosh. I've been putting this off since who-knows-how-long and now I am slightly flustered by this sudden knowledge that I'm getting a piano. Very flustered actually.

There're always periods of time I get very excited about learning piano (for example last year after Os) but then I eventually put it off due to a very messy room, lack of lobangs or just not that persistent about the whole thing. I lack perseverance anyway.

Gotta start youtubing and perhaps borrowing some dummy's guide to piano...

Anyway CNY is in a week's time and other than the festive goodies, nothing much about it appeals to me. I'm not trying to be a stereotypical teenager who plugs in her earphones during gatherings but really, I find these activities pointless at times. Of course it's good to be able to get-together over food but the rest, no.

It is supposed to be a season of happiness and prosperity but when your parents are fretting over how much ang bao money to give to your cousins (just so that they will not be at the losing end or be judged) and how they're taking your ang bao money to repackage it for your 同辈 relatives, you realise it becomes more than that. CNY becomes a platform to boast their children's excellent academic results, their family wealth and their own supposed happiness and prosperity.

I was watching the second half of the Sheng Siong Show and 龙飘飘 (I think), this old-school CNY singer, was singing this CNY song that I have never heard of but according to my mum was pretty famous at that time. Then it chanced upon me that almost all CNY songs are about 钱钱钱 and 发财. It's disgusting how this season of family get-togethers might turn out to be just fervent hoping for more wealth and lottery strikes.

For this, I'd give my usual "Urghghggghgh".

update

Can't believe I went four months without updating my blog at all. It was first the O level period for which I (actually) studied for. Then there was this period of slacking (I can't even remember what I did) which I stayed at home and watched dramas? Honestly I can't remember. There was a portion of the holidays spent on chasing my dearest 插班生 and sending them off to Taiwan and welcoming them back. I think Christmas season then came and I worked part-time as a gift-wrapper at Takashimaya (valuable and enjoyable experience, really).

Now that the timeline is getting slightly closer, I can remember churning out another drawing of 吴青峰 on the first day of 2013 (after a gap of an entire year without doing any proper drawing) and man, nothing can be more hyperventilation-inducing (?) than having 吴青峰 himself replying that he saw my drawing. I know I just typed that like it's part of everyday life but damn I would insert a million exclamation marks if it wouldn't take up space here.

And because I started a 2013 diary...... I can effectively recount what I did for the past 25 days. A big portion of it (and my hard-earned money) was spent on entertainment, namely kinect and k(araoke). And also a wonderful day at USS where I got my neck strained. (Yup.) And on those boring (and penniless) days, I stayed at home to read Tess Gerritsen crime thrillers and watch Rizzoli & Isles (which is a great show based on Gerritsen's series!!!). Oh and Fringe too!

Here comes the slightly more exciting part!! (At least for me!)

School is starting soon!!!!

It's almost certain that I will end up in NYJC and I really can't wait for orientation and friends and actual lessons! But actually what I'm most looking forward to is to join Chinese Orchestra!!!! These four years without an instrument to play has been pretty long for me even though I did enjoy drama and everything else. I totally can't wait to place my hands on an Erhu/Gaohu and try figuring out my favourite mandopop songs! (I've seen videos of people playing kpop tunes on an Erhu and the combination seems really interesting.) Only downside of joining Chinese Orchestra? They usually have really orh-biang costumes. Urgh.

The idea of making new friends is really refreshing as well! Like, starting anew in a way and creating another first impression for the people who may become your life-long friends. New personalities, new conversations, new environments, new people! Exciting!! Honestly hoping for a group of bosom friends (one is fine as well) and maybe...... have a breakthrough in my (lack of) love life.

But then of course nothing can be forced so let's just hope I can find friends who can tolerate my shortcomings and in return I'll try my best to love them for who they are.

YAY!

我爱的傻子。

有一天晚上，和妈妈看综艺节目，一个女艺人就在说她爸爸在临终前，看到了过世的亲友来找他。突然，真的好突然，我意识到有一天那会是我的父母，然后就是我。

我不想死。

我看不下去了，跑到房间拼命whatsapp朋友，骂了一堆粗话，一直说我不想死，我不想死。那天晚上，我心情糟透了。偏偏考试还没有考完。之后的考试，我写写写，可是脑里想着的都是这些，我什么时候会死，死了会去哪里，一直想那种自己感觉到生命流走的感觉。我好怕。真的好怕。有一天，这个世界就不会有我了，我的一切回忆都没了。

我讨厌自己想这些，可是我无法阻止自己。我看着路上的人们，想着，他们知道有一天自己也会死吗？他们怕吗？为什么知道自己会死，却还在努力？为的是什么？我们活着，到底为了什么？

都是一些没有答案的问题。

我魂不守舍，在大众书局找了一本华文书，关于生活的。我就翻到关于接受自己老了，会死的事实。我越读越怕，就抱着书包匆匆回家。

虽说是怕，不过我还是明白，生老病死，是谁也阻止不了的。

十六岁的我，没有绝症，离中年也有好久，所以真的很莫名奇妙。

可是，人都害怕未知，不是吗？

一个不算有宗教信仰的我，只能一直提醒自己，我是活着的，死，是平静的。

重看了lovelife纪录片，撑过了最后一份考卷，心情好了一些。活着，很美好啊。

星期五，就很期待星期日，插班生在她们教堂的表演。我希望从中能得到一点力量，一点启发，而我开心，那天我真的学到很多，
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记得最清楚的，有几个部分。其中一个，是插班生解释明信片上，圣经里的一个verse。

"The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; And star differs from star in splendor." 1 Corinthians 15:41

佳盈说，她一觉得迪雅像是太阳，能在台上发光。她不想做Robin，她想做Batman，而不是他身旁的sidekick。一天早上她祷告，她听到了声音告诉她，去读Genesis 1。一开始，她不想读，因为Genesis 1是每个基督徒都读过很多遍的。最后她还是读了，就读到了这个verse。

好有共鸣。有时候我也觉得自己不比别人好。可是，每个人在这个世界上都是有原因的。都有一些自己要去做的事，都有自己独特的光芒。一定要努力地绽放。

迪雅也唱了Stop This Train，她说，有什么理想，talents，一定要去努力。尤其是talents，像是画画什么的，不要stop this train。（这时Hoho转头对我说，don't stop this train.）虽然我喜欢画画，不过我真正想做的，是学乐器，学钢琴。

然后她们唱了林宥嘉的傻子。很多人都觉得，有大学文凭，说起来也算聪明，能有一份稳定的薪水，却去当歌手，很傻，甚至很悲哀。可是她们的那些做朝九晚五的工作的朋友告诉她们，她们的表演，说的话，影响了她们。或许一切都是值得的吧。


我为这两个＂傻子＂感到骄傲。我可以大声地说，插班生影响我，感动我，启发我。而这个跟表演精不精彩，歌声好不好听，没有关系。是一种态度和诚意。

不是每个艺人都做得到的。

在傻子后，陈奕迅的月黑风高，听得我眼眶泛泪。


歌词反映了这个年代的人，一种漫无目的的生活。还有父母为了孩子能做的一切。很少听到插班生唱这种节奏比较重，比较黑暗一点的歌。现场听，真的很爽，很想甩头呐喊。

这一次的表演，我很喜欢。在走出那个hall的时候，迪雅跟我说：＂不要想这么多。人都会死的，不代表你不是活着的。＂我对着她笑就走出去了。

我是活着的。

在喜欢插班生后，我就决定将来一定要做自己喜欢的工作。不能等到太迟了，才发现，原来自己当初应该追求自己的梦。就像我很后悔，自己没有拿drama当O水准，选择了比较容易考高分的地理。记得，即使失败，至少努力过啊。我宁愿做傻子。努力发光的傻子。

还是想说，我爱插班生。